I've debated posting anything ... but I think perhaps I might need to.

I am still in shock. Almost as though it is not real.

I am still waiting for my daily "Guten Morgen" text from my best friend. Kirstie was tickled to know and correctly spell good morning in German with no coaching from me whatsoever. Every evening I would wish her a good night, and tell her we'd talk the next day.

Since Kirstie got her texting plan some time last year, we've gotten closer and closer. Such a simple thing, a text message, yet it made her seem so close, even when Hamilton was almost an hour away from me. She even got her parents hooked on text messaging. Barrie ended up being just around the corner.

One night on a visit with Peter and Kirsten, we ended up in the silliest, most wonderful 4 person text-message circus. She laughed and laughed at all the funny text messages we all shared, even though I was still in the room with her. Her parents had gone for ice cream and after Craig and I left, we ended up getting ice cream too...
And there is the night at the YBR that I was up with Sheay in her room, Craig was at the computer and Kirstie was at home and we were all texting each other 80's song lyrics. We almost peed our pants laughing since Craig and I were in the same house texting. She knows her music, that Kirstie.


I am struggling to understand all this. How someone so wonderful, so giving and brave can be lost to us all. It really boggles the mind. To say it is not fair is a gross understatement. Kirstie was and is deserving of so much better. ... so much.

I can't believe that she won't be able to come on our "rock throwing" date at the beach in Hamilton. We were waiting for her to feel better to make the trip down there. She had suggested it after my difficult marriage ending, as she had done the same as therapy. (the wonderful Peter's idea). I can't believe that we won't be able to have that summer bbq at her parents house, so they could finally meet my Craig. They will get to meet him now, but for damn sure not the way I wanted them to.

But this is my selfish grieving. I only know that I have a hole in my life now. I'm not even sure if I know yet how large the loss is. I just know it is there. There are so very many people with the same or even bigger holes in their lives and hearts at this loss. So many that I cannot even begin to list them all.

I won't ever be able to look at a guinea pig, a rat, a hamster or a bunny without thinking of Kirstie. I will wear with pride and love the scarf she knit for me last winter. She will live forever in my heart,

I imagine right now, and I wish for it so much to be true, that she has gone to a place where she is healthy and whole again, surrounded by Vester, Bunka, Chervil. That she is free of pain and worry and is happy.

I need to believe in that. I think it will be what allows me to carry on.

I will miss you terribly Kirsten, my kindred spirit.

Ampersand & the Cackling Girl at YBR

Note: this was originally posted 1/28/09 but I managed to delete a bunch of my posts like a bone head this being one of them. Now I guess because it is so far past the original date, blogger won't let me put the original date and it insists as posting as todays date. oh Well, win some lose some. At least I have the entry back despite the incorrect date of Ki;u
Finally got the video downloaded to the computer and now I am uploading it to the blog! Sorry for being so slow! The video has Steffi, Craig, Sheay, peter, Kirsten Remy, Roland and Ampersand of course and Chetters is hiding in peter's shirt! We had a ton of fun that night and of course the star of the show was Ampersand who jumped multiple times!! Unfortunately I had to settle for a smaller video as the one I wanted to upload was way too big! I will have to figure out an alternate way to get it onto the blog. Perhaps post to YouTube? I wonder if YouTube has limits...




We had lots of fun that night. Here are some more pics: Bogey staring at peter's belly because Chetters is hiding in p's shirt; Sheay posing and Steffi and her new scarf.

Koalas in 2009 Australian Heatwave

I pulled this from an email sent to me by PH and verified its accuracy. No more Mashables for me! So I can be reasonably confident that this happened!!

Note: I am having difficulties with posting pictures. So they are not all there as far as I tell. Will have to fix later when I have more energy... what a pain.

KOALAS DURING THE HEAT WAVE IN AUSTRALIA (2009)

Australia has had a record heat wave with devastating fires as a result. Koalas if you don't know are not social and don't come out of trees or down to the suburbs very often. But the main thing is that they don't actually drink water normally at any time.
All their food and water source is provided from the eucalyptus leaves that they eat.

That's why they sleep about 22 hours of the day because the calories and liquid intake is not enough to keep them awake long enough, but they consume enormous amounts of leaves in that time. The following photos are even more amazing once that fact is known.


From the first four pictures:

The pictures that follow the first four were first in the original email I recieved. I suppose order doesn't matter so much in this case as does the sheer wonderfulness of these pictures! I just had to share.

Honestly, is it a guy thing?

So my biggest difficulty right now other then the fatigue, and the tiredness anf the exhaustion that the smallest action causes (did I mention I tire easily?) is managing timing around my medications and meals. Seem to be able to handle up to lunch & the 1 pm meds but then lose it after that. It seems to be the whole organization thing.

Anyway, I had my second visit from my personal support worker today. She helps with things like bathing and some light housework. In trying to be organized I said to p okay I need towels, soap, etc in the kitchen. So after prompting once more that was done. Well, what about clothes? I need to get dressed after cleaning up. Oh, okay. Here are some clothes. So that wasn't so bad - I was just trying to make sure things were set up so that we could make best possible use of time and maybe get S, the PSW, to do some other stuff because it is as time permits, like change the sheets on my bed. All to p's benefit - one less thing for him to do. Well of course didn't think to have that stuff ready. Had to chase p down via phone (in the house!) & ask for sheets. So he brought the sheets and heads back up again to again start his nap. S gets bed made. No pillowcases. Okay. Would you not assume that if you are changing the sheets on a bed you are also going to be changing the pillowcases? Ummmmmm.......

And of course, couldn't get hold via phone so then had to get S to yell up the stairs.....

There's more to the organization story then I've outlined but you get the gist right?

So tonight I felt completely crappy because of eating late and not following pill schedule and I don't know how to address it. Don't want to nag because p is so amazing & generous as a caregiver, friend, partner, lover it feels petty. But at the same time it is crucial.

Argh - so here I am at 5 am in the morning not having slept at all essentially because we can't get our act together to eat meals before 6 pm.
I know organization & schedules have always been no big deal & in some ways anathema even for me. I am more a play it by ear person by natural inclination but it's just not working for me right now. I need that schedule. And I actually think p would feel better for it as well himself.

I really hope I am not simply being petty and overreacting on this.... Still don't know how we are going to resolve this as we have had this conversation not just several but many times....

Taking Medications & Status Update

I am having to sit up for an hour as I just took my Actonel. The pharmacist, shortly, upon my arrival here, informed me that I've been taking the Actonel incorrectly. It has to be taken on an empty stomach, I have to be sitting up for at least 1/2 hour preferably a full hour, and drink lots of water with it. Boy am I glad I only take this particular pill once a week. And of course I can't have any calcium at the same time.

Then she later proceeds to tell me that I'm not taking my calcium in an optimum manner. Because I'm on mega doses it needs to be split up through the day to allow the body to absorb it. In case you are wondering what mega doses of calcium are it's 2000+ mg of calcium daily.

Last night I started the voriconazole which is an anti-fungal drug. Dr. Loach said that the CT scan I had done yesterday shows the nodules on my lungs have gotten a littler bigger. These are the nodules that appeared when I relapsed in 2000 that they were unable to get a biopsy of. The CT scan also was still "hazy" meaning I guess that there is still a lot of congestion. He said I would be here until next week at least - they will do another CT scan at that point. They are not sure that I have a fungal infection - but they are not sure what the deal is with the nodules. So Dr. Loach said they would rather overtreat which is why they've started the voriconazole.

At some point they will want to do another bronchosopy to try biopsying the nodes again. However, for the same reason Dr. Chan couldn't fully sedate me last Monday for the bronchosopy he did they will wait because the risk factors with my lungs in such poor shape is too high.

I am having a really hard time staying alert/awake while writing this. Granted it is 7:14 an and I normally would be on a GO train napping on my way into work. But it's a little frustrating to suddenly find myself staring out into space or worse my eyes closed!

It looks like p can come and visit today. I am so looking forward to that. Haven't seen him since he left me at emergency because he's been too sick. So awful that noone there to take care of him.

Leg wound is doing well. And might even start healing a little faster as they dropped the prednisone back to 25 mg. Dr. Chan had increased it before the bronchosopy to try and give some lung function back.