I've debated posting anything ... but I think perhaps I might need to.

I am still in shock. Almost as though it is not real.

I am still waiting for my daily "Guten Morgen" text from my best friend. Kirstie was tickled to know and correctly spell good morning in German with no coaching from me whatsoever. Every evening I would wish her a good night, and tell her we'd talk the next day.

Since Kirstie got her texting plan some time last year, we've gotten closer and closer. Such a simple thing, a text message, yet it made her seem so close, even when Hamilton was almost an hour away from me. She even got her parents hooked on text messaging. Barrie ended up being just around the corner.

One night on a visit with Peter and Kirsten, we ended up in the silliest, most wonderful 4 person text-message circus. She laughed and laughed at all the funny text messages we all shared, even though I was still in the room with her. Her parents had gone for ice cream and after Craig and I left, we ended up getting ice cream too...
And there is the night at the YBR that I was up with Sheay in her room, Craig was at the computer and Kirstie was at home and we were all texting each other 80's song lyrics. We almost peed our pants laughing since Craig and I were in the same house texting. She knows her music, that Kirstie.


I am struggling to understand all this. How someone so wonderful, so giving and brave can be lost to us all. It really boggles the mind. To say it is not fair is a gross understatement. Kirstie was and is deserving of so much better. ... so much.

I can't believe that she won't be able to come on our "rock throwing" date at the beach in Hamilton. We were waiting for her to feel better to make the trip down there. She had suggested it after my difficult marriage ending, as she had done the same as therapy. (the wonderful Peter's idea). I can't believe that we won't be able to have that summer bbq at her parents house, so they could finally meet my Craig. They will get to meet him now, but for damn sure not the way I wanted them to.

But this is my selfish grieving. I only know that I have a hole in my life now. I'm not even sure if I know yet how large the loss is. I just know it is there. There are so very many people with the same or even bigger holes in their lives and hearts at this loss. So many that I cannot even begin to list them all.

I won't ever be able to look at a guinea pig, a rat, a hamster or a bunny without thinking of Kirstie. I will wear with pride and love the scarf she knit for me last winter. She will live forever in my heart,

I imagine right now, and I wish for it so much to be true, that she has gone to a place where she is healthy and whole again, surrounded by Vester, Bunka, Chervil. That she is free of pain and worry and is happy.

I need to believe in that. I think it will be what allows me to carry on.

I will miss you terribly Kirsten, my kindred spirit.