I wish I knew. I have a great job, but I'm restless, unmotivated. I would rather be doing something else, I'm just not sure what. There are three constants in my life - music, horses and books - and yet I'm not doing much music, I'm not riding or near horses, and when I do read, it only seems to be trashy novels for the most part. Hardly the sort of stuff good as a steady diet.
I'm in debt past my eyeballs, and I hate it. I worry about how to pay the next few bills. p doesn't bring in steady cash - but I knew that when I married him. And I DON"T want to pressure him into things he doesn't want to do anymore but at the same time, I really want to start digging a way out of the $$$ hole. Even if I could access every single penny of what I have at work but am not fully vested in, it would barely make a dent.... A decent sized dent nevertheless, but then I would have nothing saved at all.
What's worse? Big debt and some savings or slightly less big debt and no savings.
I love the house - but wish it was less cluttered and messy. Wish I didn't have as long a commute as I do - yet at least I get an extra hour of sleep in the morning on the way in, and if I can get a seat, I can stitch on the way home.
I love my little critters dearly.... they live far too short lives. And they are a substitute in a way (which doesn't negate my love at all) for the child/children i can't have.
And there is still an anger within at the things I somehow feel have been stolen from me through illness. I know there are plenty of blessings because of the illness that wouldn't have happened in a "normal" course of health or life - but I wouldn't know I was missing them would I?
Maybe it's just me, who I am. I'm just never satisfied with anything long term. I wish I could find a one true abiding passion and become obsessively compulsively wrapped up in it - if that would equate happiness, I don't know either.
And the capper is when people indicate they are impressed with how I've handled things. Handled? I've just scraped through them as I can hoping to come through the other side with out destroying anyone. I think I don't know when to stop. Which is arguably a good thing.
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2 comments:
Hey
I took you up on your offer to look at your blog.. very personal stuff.
I am just about in tears over here reading your thoughts.. since they echo mine so closely. No, my passion does not include horses as yours does, but that is of no matter in the grander scheme of things.
I wish I could give you the absolute... "you are going ..." but alas, I cannot. I cannot even do it for myself.
I wonder too.. if I found a passion to truly absorb myself in, would that complete me? Would anything?
K... i hear ya on "how you have managed". While our life challenges are very different in nature, they are perhaps still the same in being that challenge. I feel too that I have just managed to blunder my way through Tsunami called my life. I get told quite often how well I have done. I always shake my head on the inside.. i never FEEL like I have done so well. That i have gone through this like a rock with no concerns.
I guess I keep in mind, as much as I can what Joanna told me:
even if you cry like a baby every DAY of this huge life change, the fact that you felt the fear and DID IT ANYWAY does mean you are strong.. even if you feel as weak as jello.
Not sure if that can apply to you or not. I hope so.
I feel like I have rambled.. sorry.
We seem to be in this together K...
I am here for you.. anytime. You know a ton of stuff about me... and I am glad. I can share with you.. and that is so important.
I can understand so well the restless feeling (and the debt!!). You and I have always been so similar in our passions - music, horses, reading. (and scuba for me, too). Well, I never get to ride any more. I am always reading, and I go through phases of trashy/mystery novels and better stuff. But the thing that has really helped with the restlessness has been getting back into music, and not letting my performance anxiety kill my love of playing. Good God, I'm even singing now! I'd have to say that I feel more like ME again, not just wife/mother/etc.
As for how you've "handled" things - you've lived. And that's the main thing. I think people don't really know how to talk about all you've been through, starting at such a young age. But from the conversations we've had lately, I can see that because it took so much strength and energy to be alive, you often feel like you've missed out on "living". And that truly sucks, because you're such a warm and caring and vibrant person, and you deserve more. I'm always here for you, even if I can't do anything to make it better except ofer you a hug and a shoulder, and my unconditional support for whatever you choose to do in life. :)
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