where am I going?

I wish I knew. I have a great job, but I'm restless, unmotivated. I would rather be doing something else, I'm just not sure what. There are three constants in my life - music, horses and books - and yet I'm not doing much music, I'm not riding or near horses, and when I do read, it only seems to be trashy novels for the most part. Hardly the sort of stuff good as a steady diet.

I'm in debt past my eyeballs, and I hate it. I worry about how to pay the next few bills. p doesn't bring in steady cash - but I knew that when I married him. And I DON"T want to pressure him into things he doesn't want to do anymore but at the same time, I really want to start digging a way out of the $$$ hole. Even if I could access every single penny of what I have at work but am not fully vested in, it would barely make a dent.... A decent sized dent nevertheless, but then I would have nothing saved at all.

What's worse? Big debt and some savings or slightly less big debt and no savings.

I love the house - but wish it was less cluttered and messy. Wish I didn't have as long a commute as I do - yet at least I get an extra hour of sleep in the morning on the way in, and if I can get a seat, I can stitch on the way home.

I love my little critters dearly.... they live far too short lives. And they are a substitute in a way (which doesn't negate my love at all) for the child/children i can't have.

And there is still an anger within at the things I somehow feel have been stolen from me through illness. I know there are plenty of blessings because of the illness that wouldn't have happened in a "normal" course of health or life - but I wouldn't know I was missing them would I?

Maybe it's just me, who I am. I'm just never satisfied with anything long term. I wish I could find a one true abiding passion and become obsessively compulsively wrapped up in it - if that would equate happiness, I don't know either.

And the capper is when people indicate they are impressed with how I've handled things. Handled? I've just scraped through them as I can hoping to come through the other side with out destroying anyone. I think I don't know when to stop. Which is arguably a good thing.

Cool Map of the World Wide Web

Wishing my middle didn't exist

For the last few weeks I've had the most acquaintance with the bathroom then I have probably had at least in the last couple of years. Not sure if it is related to the pred slowly exiting my body and therefore my intestines are all buggered up. Definitely wonder as it's been seven years that I have not been able to wean off and stay off. I really really hope I manage to stay off so that I don't look like a total freak anymore.
I had roti for lunch yesterday - split with LG. Breakfast was peanut butter & jam on toast and I didn't eat dinner last night although I did eat three of those rice cakes - the chocolate kind. This morning same breakfast and lunch is carrots and and a sandwich made out of lovely bread (same as toast last two days) of walnut and raisins with chicken flakes/mayo as the filling. I suppose I ought to track what I eat and see if there seems to be a connection.

And, silly me, I have this huge crush on someone. Sigh - not that I love my hubby any less - and not that I would ever do anything about it, but it almost feels like beening a teenager again and I'm not sure that's necessarily a good thing!
Someone complimented me on my writing - which makes me feel really good as I didn't think the writing was as it was all off the top of my head and literally from brain to html if you will.
It's the second day back and work and I'm thinking I must be the most ungrateful person ever - have a great job, like my coworkers - but I STILL don't want to work..... and the funny thing is I think going to work is what actually gets me up and moving in the mornings. I should be grateful there is something to motivate me regardless of how I'm feeling!
And I have to say, like another addiction I have, it's all Canada's fault I'm back into trying this blogger thing anonymously. It never even occurred to me to do it anonymously. Although, I supposed if you really wanted to and had some computer know-how you could work it out. I highly doubt that anyone would be interested enough to do so fortunately! I really ought to be working, that's where I am and I've been so unmotivated since my holidays ended. My feelings of wishing I didn't have to work have only strengthened since then. Hopefully, this too will pass!

Passports

Gotta go get my passport photos taken.

And, this printer is taking way too long to print this form, and I don't even know if it will be in an acceptable format because someone changed all the printer settings - why would you have A4 as a default paper I don' know!

And, I'm hungry - there is a meeting going on now after the church service to brainstorm about the future and what it might/could/will look like over the next four years. Me, I find it hard to imagine Holy Trinity without Sara, but I know that is the reality of churches and their incumbents. You don't have them forever......

It's the weekend!

Boy, I'm really going great guns on this blog thingie.

Started a new job which I really like.

My commute is half of what it used to be! And I'm going to the ARMA conference in Long Beach and work is paying for it!

YAY!