Licorice

I'm scared he won't make it.

Socrates to the Rainbowbridge

p called me at about 2:20. He'd taken Socrates to the vet. Despite the many doses and two different kinds of antibiotics he is not getting better. He has a third abscess starting on his cheek and the other one has not even begun to drain - except perhaps through his ear. So, the vet felt, as do we, that it is only cruel to keep prolonging the pain. p said that even today it's gotten worse as anytime Socrates is touched he squeeks. Rats never squeek except under extreme duress.
I can't bear it. The poor little mite never harmed anyone. He's never once bitten anyone except his brother and that was in rough and tumble play. But even when we hurt him (to try and make him better) he never bit us. He would just squirm and lick and lick and kiss to try and make us stop.
What's even worse is I can't be there to say good-bye. I asked p to give him kisses for me. But I feel awful for p being there alone and having to drive back by himself with the little body. And I know he's crying.
Please please forgive us Socrates for any of the pain we've put you through. We love you very much and always will. Thank you for the time you have graced our lives with.

Days of Daze

There are days when I come into the office (like this one) and it feels surreal. Am I really here? Doing this job? It doesn't feel like it's real. And I wonder how I got here and why.

Removal of a millstone around my neck

On Saturday p and I went to see RF - our mortgage broker. Based on the advice of CH the Saturday we went to see CH. C had suggested we ask for a 35 - 40 year mortgage with a variable rate which should hopefully cover all our debts except for what I owe Dad. If C is right, we should be able to put $500 a month into a money market fund, with the goal of reaching a minimum of $3000. This would still free up our cash flow. We still need to wait until March as that is when our renewal is due. RF said there is no point in incurring a penalty.

RF seems to think it would free up even more cash then CH thought. Not so sure about that myself as my monthly outflow currently exceeds whgt I'm making. We've only gotten as far as we have by judicious raiding of last years stocks and RRSPs. And I have to admit I have resorted in the last month to making some payments for some things (like loan payment) by credit card. Bad - bad bad. I so can't wait to be done with this separate debt. I'm only going to keep the AMEX and CT mastercards and p will keep his VISA.

RF was interesting - and had some good advice. While the bank, the last time we consolidated our debts, essentially told us to get rid of all our credit cards, RF asked "how many credit cards do you need?" The correct answer is one. For emergencies. Preferably emergencies only.

My caveat to that is, if you make a purchase using credit card only do so if you have the cash flow to pay it off immediately. I've know that for a long time and always tried to follow that but it's been absolutely impossible the last few years. Mostly because of the fracas with my former employer's limited health care plan and Trillium. I never should have signed up for the company health care plan because it had a cap of $5000. I was of course past that in three months.

I was at PMH last week to pick up my Gleevec medications. And while I was there I noticed they are selling stones with an inscription. Even before I saw the inscription the magpie in me said "I want". The inscription on the stone is "Gratitude".The stone comes in a little velvet bag with an piece of paper that reads "Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." Melody Beattie.

I keep it on my desk on the left side of my computer at work when I am there so I can pick it up and hold it. Maybe the act of holding will help me focus on all the things I am grateful, truly grateful for instead of thinking of the things that cause me despair.

Licorice

Licorice went to see Dr. P today to have his teeth trimmed. Yesterday when Dr. P saw him he said his teeth have pushed in further then before. He suspects it might be a bone infection - which is really hard to treat and clear up.

Or, even worse, it might be a bone tumour.

Why Licorice? He is the sweetest guinea pig - so full of personality. I helped Widget give birth to him - which p said astonished Dr. P as apparently he's never heard of any of his slaves with gp's witnessing a birth. Licorice is fearless - the bunnies and silly don't phase him at all and he will willingly explore anywhere in the house where the other gps huddle and make messes on the floor out of nerves. We call him Mr. Klicky-Toes because of the sound he makes running around on the hardwood floors and the kitchen laminate.

I named him Licorice because of his colours. He is black and orange - it reminded me of Tiger-tail ice cream, so Licorice it was.

The very first time Licorice went to the vet they were so charmed by him that they asked us where we got him from.

p is going to pick Licorice up in about an hour. He came through the surgery (they had to put him out to trim his molars) and is groggy at the moment. This morning after trying to get some Critical Care (CC) into him i held a handful of rolled oats (the porridge making kind - not instant but not the hour long boiling ones either) and he ate them from my hand. p seems to think that Licorice eats more when I am around. I've spent lots of time feeding him blades of grass one by one. Just to get some fibre into him.

I so love that little guy. It really burns me that he out of all of the gps is the one having the problems. I love them all, but he really holds a special place in my heart. Just like Widget who was my therapy piggie. She died early too. I just don't get it. It makes you want to rage and scream at the powers that be - animals are innocent. Why do they have to have illnesses and suffer.

And then there is Socrates. Which I can't bear to think about how much he is going through yet is still sweet natured and has never once bitten either of us despite the nasty antibiotics we've had to force down him. He does scream which makes both of us feel two inches tall. He's now on his fourth or fifth cyst/abcess. He smells bad all the time because of the necrolyzing junk in the cyst. This one is right on his right cheek. And on top of that he has had a nasty ear infection and is only just healing from the cyst on his belly.

I just can't stand it.